Saturday, November 16, 2013

Silence

She was a shell
Empty and alone
Where could she go?
Who could she tell?

Was easier to stay
To accept defeat
It was easy to believe

They all looked away
And left her alone
They turned their heads
To any broken bones

She did her best
She gave it her all
When asked "What happened?"
She said
"Oh just a fall"

Years went by
She learned to adapt
She learned how not
To make him mad

She learned how to please
Just what to say
She learned to make sure
HE had a good day

Those looking on could not see?
Would not see?
The pain that was so deep inside of me
Was it easier to look away?

Distance and time
Closed for me
There was a hand that
Could be reached

A hand with a face
From the past
A hand that only for
A short time would last

I held on to that hand
With all my might
I pulled myself up
I learned how to fight

Three years will soon have past
And now I see
Just how WONDERFUL
Life should be.

Written in celebration of my freedom.
Dedicated to the face from the past.

Friday, July 26, 2013

The Hypnotist

Am I really where I was in December 2010, when your physical abuse towards me escalated and my cry for help was answered?  As close to homelessness as death.  A face in the mirror I did not recognize.  Financially and emotionally dependent on you. Exhaused and confused, with nothing to look forward to.  Isolated from friends and family.  My only solace was you.  You had planned it that way--slowly and methodically. Twisted my mind and thoughts so I questioned myself and reality.  Doubting myself, my perceptions and beliefs.

You deceived everyone.  That is what you do best.  Hours upon hours I contemplated and tried to please you.  I didn't want to be like any of your ex's -Mary Ann, Crying Girl, Evanne, Stephanie, Danielle, Crazy Kirsten, Sophie, Lauren, Julie etc.

Your allies think the world of you just like I did.  You could turn on the charm, the kindness, the warmth, and the humour.  You mastered it all.  Mastery one of your favorite words.

You had me convinced I was the cause of your behavior and I needed to share the blame. I fell for your intensity.  I truly believed I was the only woman who could ever matter so much to you.  I went in with my eyes wide open.  As you aptly reminded me daily, my duty was to be by your side and focus on you.  I had no reason whatsoever to be depressed.

I took away your power.  That power you value so highly. The power you used to control me.  All the little games you played making me feel as if I was crazy.

Here I am today still standing.  Though the foundation may be weak and trembling.  I have gained strength.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

My Secret Valentine

When I was just a young girl of 20, I fell madly passionately in love for the first time.  He was 9 years older than me--English born and bred.  We met by accident.  He played in a hugely popular 80's New Wave band and was in the midst of a world tour.

Romanian gypsy in his blood.  Handsome, intelligent, kind, gentle, funny, a creative genius.  We share the same November birth date.  It was a crazy,  intense love that physically made my heart beat faster. When we we were apart due to his work and we reunited it was as if no time had ever passed between us.  We started right where we left off.  Call it fate,  Call it destiny.  I've never publicly written about him or what we shared.  There were so many times I wished he had a different career--a doctor, a mechanic, anything but what he was.  I didn't love him for his fame or glory.  I simply loved him. 

Flash forward 27 years, the man is in the midst of a world tour promoting his new album, his first in over 18 years after a lengthy struggle with bipolar illness and a not so nice English press.  He is dangerously close...my heart tells me to take that short trip to see him.  But my head tells me no.  Out of fear I suppose.  FEAR--False Evidence Appearing Real.

Do I take that short trip west?  Take the risk to see him, to talk to him?  The city he is appearing in is the city where we met during a snowstorm on February 11, 1983,   It is not my hometown. It will be his first return to that place since that date. 

Monday, July 15, 2013

20/20 Vision

If I can use this time as a gift to truly heal--then something positive will have been gained.  When one door closes another one  opens.

I refuse to feel worthless for being fired. You made me feel worthless for eight years, all the while proclaiming to love me.  Just because a person makes a bad decision does not make them a bad person.  The worst decision I ever made was chosing you.  And all  the decisions I made involving you or pertaining to you were not  the best ones.  Blame it on my heart.


All the years you told me I was crazy.  All the times I believed you.  You are the master of crazy making.  You always wanted to be the master of something.  It wasn't I who could not communicate.

This time away from you has helped me to discover who I am, although a part of me will forever be lost.  Your self-righteousness is clearly evident in all your radio and media appearances and rants to other bloggers. You have always loved the limelight.  Perhaps if you could channel that energy toward a better outlet instead of using people in your game of chess. Then maybe you would have a successful consulting business instead of the imaginary one you have. You will need to retain some clients first.  One can not claim to have a million dollar consulting company without any clients. Your entire life is a lie.  You can't even be true to yourself.

It's all so much clearer now--coming into focus--the longer I'm away from you.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Journey


Step by Step

There will come a day when you cease to exist in my world.  The mention of your name will no longer effect me on any level.

Only a couple years ago I remember clearly how you made me feel when I learned you were running an escort service out of your Manhattan apartment and you had Miss J living in that very apartment working as one of your escorts.  Little did I know she wasn't the first since you hadn't been faithful since day one.  I have copies of all the ads you placed on craigslist for those very escort services. Let's see you lie your way out of that!

Why is it that when men are unfaithful women blame themselves? We're too fat, too ugly, not sexy enough, too sexy.  We'll change, we'll diet, we will become what the other woman is to them.  We lose ourselves in the quest to please him.  How ridiculous is that?

Women competing against women for the attention and love of a man who is unworthy of that love.

Women competing against women for the sake of a career and climbing that career ladder.  Women judging other women on their decisions, their diets, their appearance, their children--instead of supporting each other.

We as women and humans are only one bad decision away from that woman, the one using food stamps to feed her family standing in line before you at the grocery store, that woman who we think we are so much better then.  We should be supporting each other not judging.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Breaking the Cycle

The other day I came home to find a Federal Express package on my door step.  And what should it be? Who could be sending me something in such a large box?

It was from my former boss at that non-profit agency where they claim to HELP people break the cycle of poverty, unless of course those needing help are employees.

When I opened the box I saw the remnants of my office, two years of my life thrown into a box along with an assortment of pens, a file folder, notebooks, hand lotions, pictures, inspirational plaques, and the miniature Eiffel Tower Christmas ornament I picked up at Target.  Of course things were missing including a personal fax machine and digital camera and why would they throw pens in the box?

My former supervisor is an expert at packaging former employees personal belongings.  She can throw people away like garbage.  Prior to my arrival she had gone through an excessively high number of employees who directly reported to her.  With a twenty year history at the agency, she is the longest standing person there. The CEO may think she is the CEO, but it is a mere title only.

"Whatever you need, we'll be there for you."

Not too many of my former colleagues have reached out to me since my departure. Perhaps they have come to the realization that they too can be disposed of, no matter how good and valuable they are as an employee or they may think they are.  It's all an illusion.  "Words are easy...words are cheap," to quote an Adam Ant song.

I guess it should not surprise me that people are willing to judge me on one misplaced action.  All those people who pretend they are better than everyone else.  The ones who tell little white lies on a daily basis--judging me? All the lies that come off the lips of the leadership team and board members, "We will support you totally."

It's laughable. What would they have done had they been in the exact same situation?  They might like to pretend they would have done something differently. I was desperate to end Prince Charming's PR campaign.  From day one, he always seemed to have more rights than I.

And I have to love the DA Investigator and all he talks about is the rape charge that was no billed.  Seems they totally forgot about the strangulation case and surprisingly photos of those very injuries have strangely disappeared.  Never presented to the original grand jury.  Missing.  Should I be at all surprised considering this is my local police department, the one with an extensive history of corruption. Good thing the officer wrote on the original police report where my physical injuries were and that they had taken photos of the said injuries.  The ER Doctor also documented the injuries extensively and mentioned the police had taken photos.

The body does NOT lie.



Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Picture Tells the Story


Judgmental Women

An open letter to Maud Booth:

Those carrying on your legacy are doing so only in words not actions. Judging others such as myself harshly--all under the false umbrella of your name.  Working to break the cycle of poverty--laughable. Core values--meaningless. Fake, false pretenses. There are no limits to caring--unless of course you are an employee, or more aptly described as a member of the family by the CEO herself.

So much for being a gift to the agency.  "Whatever you need from us.  We will be there for you." More lies.  Instead they became judge and jury, found guilty without a trial. Imagine that Maud Booth! The Book of Liars all judgmental women. Superficialness in the first degree, the worst kind. Parading around as do-gooders feeding on gossip and contributing to that very gossip.  All the while claiming to be a faith based organization. Where in the Bible does the Book of Hypocrites exist?

My time there is just another chapter for this book.  Another lesson learned. Never take people at face value.  Sure thought I had already learned that lesson courtesy of Prince Charming, the man with no moral compass.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

What Doesn't Kill You....




"Write what should not be forgotten.” 

"What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)"
From Kelly Clarkson

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in colour
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on over you

You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

[2x]
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

(When I'm alone)

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Masquerade

The other day I found myself missing you. It was St. Patrick's Day Weekend--which would have marked our "10th" anniversary of being together.  For a split second I thought of you.  I had a sense of missing you. But was it really you I was missing or was it the illusion of you? The visible marks of bruises you left are long gone but scars remain.

As fellow survivors know, that to be a survivor, first you must bleed.  You bleed all that is inside of you; the hurt, the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together, the ties to what was in, all its forms.  You bleed not once but several times.  And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength and courage to live. When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow-empty.  Then you fill yourself up with the new, you recreate yourself, you reform, you breathe again.  You don't have the same heart or mind.  The way you see the world is forever changed.

I remember looking at my shadow in the mirror, studying it, observing it, watching it,  sometimes talking to it, because it was all I knew.  My self-esteem, loyalty, trust, independence had all been taken from me by you. I secretly still carry the scarlet "V" on my chest.  All because I loved the wrong man.  Yes, you may have taken my breath away, taken the wind out of my sails and you tried to break my spirit--but I have come a long way from being broken.


Friday, March 22, 2013

Inspiring Women


Last Friday I received a surprise in my mail box.  It was the book I had been waiting for. Not just any book.   It was written by my friend Tre.  It tells the personal story of her journey of being a survivor of a different kind.  She lost the love of her life at the age of 34.  She was married to a friend of mine, Alberto, who passed away at the age of 40.  I met Alberto the same time I met Prince Charming in 2003.  There is not another writer who writes like Tre.  She takes you the reader into her personal love affair and eventual marriage. She gives up her single life in California and moves to New York City.  You feel with her as she loses Alberto that fateful March day in 2009. She has incredible strength and is an inspiration to me in more ways than she could ever imagine.

For information on Splitting the Difference check out her website at: 

http://splittingthedifferencebook.com/



Friday, January 11, 2013

Fade To Black

It's funny how our subconscious mind works. And how often we choose to ignore it.

Somewhere along in my 8 year relationship with Prince Charming, I bought him a DVD of the Diane Lane and Richard Gere film, "Unfaithful".  The movie was filmed in New York City and has some of the most beautiful cinematography (Mercer and Broome Street in Soho).  I fell in love with the imagery and since Prince Charming lived in NYC it was reminiscent of my time in the Big Apple.  Diane Lane looks spectacular in the film and Prince Charming used to claim that he had been mistaken for Richard Gere on numerous occasions. (One of the many tales he spun including his book being optioned by Oliver Stone).

I gave him the DVD under no other pretense other than thinking he too would enjoy the beautiful images in the film.  I find it so ironic now that he was totally "Unfaithful" for the entire 8 years we were together.  He was placing ads on craigslist for live-in girl friends on Christmas Eve in 2008.  Friends have asked what his reaction was when I gave him the DVD.  I can't recall exactly but I do know now that he was a very good actor, most sociopaths are.  Richard Gere has nothing on him.