The Hypnotist

Am I really where I was in December 2010, when your physical abuse towards me escalated and my cry for help was answered?  As close to homelessness as death.  A face in the mirror I did not recognize.  Financially and emotionally dependent on you. Exhaused and confused, with nothing to look forward to.  Isolated from friends and family.  My only solace was you.  You had planned it that way--slowly and methodically. Twisted my mind and thoughts so I questioned myself and reality.  Doubting myself, my perceptions and beliefs.

You deceived everyone.  That is what you do best.  Hours upon hours I contemplated and tried to please you.  I didn't want to be like any of your ex's -Mary Ann, Crying Girl, Evanne, Stephanie, Danielle, Crazy Kirsten, Sophie, Lauren, Julie etc.

Your allies think the world of you just like I did.  You could turn on the charm, the kindness, the warmth, and the humour.  You mastered it all.  Mastery one of your favorite words.

You had me convinced I was the cause of your behavior and I needed to share the blame. I fell for your intensity.  I truly believed I was the only woman who could ever matter so much to you.  I went in with my eyes wide open.  As you aptly reminded me daily, my duty was to be by your side and focus on you.  I had no reason whatsoever to be depressed.

I took away your power.  That power you value so highly. The power you used to control me.  All the little games you played making me feel as if I was crazy.

Here I am today still standing.  Though the foundation may be weak and trembling.  I have gained strength.

My Secret Valentine

When I was just a young girl of 20, I fell madly passionately in love for the first time.  He was 9 years older than me--English born and bred.  We met by accident.  He played in a hugely popular 80's New Wave band and was in the midst of a world tour.

Romanian gypsy in his blood.  Handsome, intelligent, kind, gentle, funny, a creative genius.  We share the same November birth date.  It was a crazy,  intense love that physically made my heart beat faster. When we we were apart due to his work and we reunited it was as if no time had ever passed between us.  We started right where we left off.  Call it fate,  Call it destiny.  I've never publicly written about him or what we shared.  There were so many times I wished he had a different career--a doctor, a mechanic, anything but what he was.  I didn't love him for his fame or glory.  I simply loved him. 

Flash forward 27 years, the man is in the midst of a world tour promoting his new album, his first in over 18 years after a lengthy struggle with bipolar illness and a not so nice English press.  He is dangerously close...my heart tells me to take that short trip to see him.  But my head tells me no.  Out of fear I suppose.  FEAR--False Evidence Appearing Real.

Do I take that short trip west?  Take the risk to see him, to talk to him?  The city he is appearing in is the city where we met during a snowstorm on February 11, 1983,   It is not my hometown. It will be his first return to that place since that date. 

20/20 Vision

If I can use this time as a gift to truly heal--then something positive will have been gained.  When one door closes another one  opens.

I refuse to feel worthless for being fired. You made me feel worthless for eight years, all the while proclaiming to love me.  Just because a person makes a bad decision does not make them a bad person.  The worst decision I ever made was chosing you.  And all  the decisions I made involving you or pertaining to you were not  the best ones.  Blame it on my heart.



All the years you told me I was crazy.  All the times I believed you.  You are the master of crazy making.  You always wanted to be the master of something.  It wasn't I who could not communicate.

This time away from you has helped me to discover who I am, although a part of me will forever be lost.  Your self-righteousness is clearly evident in all your radio and media appearances and rants to other bloggers. You have always loved the limelight.  Perhaps if you could channel that energy toward a better outlet instead of using people in your game of chess. Then maybe you would have a successful consulting business instead of the imaginary one you have. You will need to retain some clients first.  One can not claim to have a million dollar consulting company without any clients. Your entire life is a lie.  You can't even be true to yourself.

It's all so much clearer now--coming into focus--the longer I'm away from you.

The Journey

Step by Step

There will come a day when you cease to exist in my world.  The mention of your name will no longer effect me on any level.

Only a couple years ago I remember clearly how you made me feel when I learned you were running an escort service out of your Manhattan apartment and you had Miss J living in that very apartment working as one of your escorts.  Little did I know she wasn't the first since you hadn't been faithful since day one.  I have copies of all the ads you placed on craigslist for those very escort services. Let's see you lie your way out of that!

Why is it that when men are unfaithful women blame themselves? We're too fat, too ugly, not sexy enough, too sexy.  We'll change, we'll diet, we will become what the other woman is to them.  We lose ourselves in the quest to please him.  How ridiculous is that?

Women competing against women for the attention and love of a man who is unworthy of that love.

Women competing against women for the sake of a career and climbing that career ladder.  Women judging other women on their decisions, their diets, their appearance, their children--instead of supporting each other.

We as women and humans are only one bad decision away from that woman, the one using food stamps to feed her family standing in line before you at the grocery store, that woman who we think we are so much better then.  We should be supporting each other not judging.

Breaking the Cycle

The other day I came home to find a Federal Express package on my door step.  And what should it be? Who could be sending me something in such a large box?

It was from my former boss at that non-profit agency where they claim to HELP people break the cycle of poverty, unless of course those needing help are employees.

When I opened the box I saw the remnants of my office, two years of my life thrown into a box along with an assortment of pens, a file folder, notebooks, hand lotions, pictures, inspirational plaques, and the miniature Eiffel Tower Christmas ornament I picked up at Target.  Of course things were missing including a personal fax machine and digital camera and why would they throw pens in the box?

My former supervisor is an expert at packaging former employees personal belongings.  She can throw people away like garbage.  Prior to my arrival she had gone through an excessively high number of employees who directly reported to her.  With a twenty year history at the agency, she is the longest standing person there. The CEO may think she is the CEO, but it is a mere title only.

"Whatever you need, we'll be there for you."

Not too many of my former colleagues have reached out to me since my departure. Perhaps they have come to the realization that they too can be disposed of, no matter how good and valuable they are as an employee or they may think they are.  It's all an illusion.  "Words are easy...words are cheap," to quote an Adam Ant song.

I guess it should not surprise me that people are willing to judge me on one misplaced action.  All those people who pretend they are better than everyone else.  The ones who tell little white lies on a daily basis--judging me? All the lies that come off the lips of the leadership team and board members, "We will support you totally."

It's laughable. What would they have done had they been in the exact same situation?  They might like to pretend they would have done something differently. I was desperate to end Prince Charming's PR campaign.  From day one, he always seemed to have more rights than I.

And I have to love the DA Investigator and all he talks about is the rape charge that was no billed.  Seems they totally forgot about the strangulation case and surprisingly photos of those very injuries have strangely disappeared.  Never presented to the original grand jury.  Missing.  Should I be at all surprised considering this is my local police department, the one with an extensive history of corruption. Good thing the officer wrote on the original police report where my physical injuries were and that they had taken photos of the said injuries.  The ER Doctor also documented the injuries extensively and mentioned the police had taken photos.

The body does NOT lie.